i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
