I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
