I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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