Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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