so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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