Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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