Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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