she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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