I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
