Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize
