There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
