I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
