I looked at my own cervix.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
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