I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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