she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
