i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
