I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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