so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
