apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
