Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Randomize
