he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
