yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Just invented taco cereal.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
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