remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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