If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
