2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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