Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
