Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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