I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize