So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
