"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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