billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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