the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
My ass is underappreciated
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize