Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
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