I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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