Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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