Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
