Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
