yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
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