he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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