Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Randomize
