the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
