I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
