meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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