2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I'm bleeding and have questions
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
