I wish I only lived at night.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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