Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
