I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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