I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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