remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
