You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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