my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
