My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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