I wish I could punch you in the face.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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