Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i will never coherently bang her
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
