there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
