Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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