he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
