I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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