omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
