Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
