So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
