I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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