I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
