Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
you will always have a special place in my vag
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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