Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Randomize
