I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
