So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
