Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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