I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Randomize
