I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
