I'll bet she douches with gravy.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
