What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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