my mouth tastes like poor choices
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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